I’m sitting across from a recent acquaintance in a coffee shop having a nice visit. We’re discussing a topic on which we share the same point of view. Easy, and enjoyable. Then she starts talking with passion about good living, which I happen to agree with, and I feel myself getting defensive. Why? What would make me defensive about a topic we share the same perspective on, and a sentiment I actually believe? In this case I happen to know why I became defensive. She doesn’t know me very well, and she was talking as if I didn’t already know the thing she was talking about. My brain was screaming “I know that already, I’m not who you think I am, I need to correct your diminished impression of my identity, I’m better than that!”
I didn’t react too strongly, but I do know that I was motivated to find ways to demonstrate to her my high level of personal understanding and enlightenment on the topic she was “schooling” me on. I wasn’t merely sharing my thoughts with her, although I was, I know I was also leveling the playing field between us.
What is the threat? Being misunderstood, maybe. More likely being underestimated, undervalued, placed lower on the social hierarchy than I believe I have achieved in my life so far. It seems likely, then, that the perceived threat is to my social security (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). This awareness does not come without some digging, nor without some degree of embarrassment. It is unpleasant to acknowledge that social standing is something that I am concerned about, never mind trying to preserve.
You might be thinking “Why would you think your social standing with this new acquaintance is so important that you need to defend yourself?” Why, indeed. That is a good question to ask myself. Why am I sensitive to a threat to my social standing? I will need some time and good thinking to understand where that comes from. That’s the thing about perceived threat, it’s personal. Another person may not care a bit about social standing with a new acquaintance. Another person might freak out about being overlooked when appreciation is being handed out, or if someone expresses a contrary opinion to theirs. Those kinds of things don’t really bother me. Defensiveness is an involuntary reaction to a perceived threat. The threat may be real, or it may be left over “junk” from a time in your life when it really was a threat. As a wise person once said to me “If you get defensive, go digging. There’s gold there.”
Just as there is a psychological explanation to defensiveness, there is also a biological one. When we are in a situation in which we perceive a threat, the amygdala engages independently from the frontal lobe and other areas of the brain which are responsible for tasks and thinking. Not only does the amygdala engage independently, it is given priority in the face of threat. Since the amygdala is given priority of function (so that we don’t stand there weighing our options while a lion is chasing us), we are not able to think well when we are reacting defensively.
Submitting to a purely defensive reaction at times when there is no real threat creates an awkward social situation at best, and the end of relationships at worst. When there is no real threat, reacting defensively can be destructive rather than protective; it will erode the good functioning of relationships, as well as interfere with meeting our own relational needs.
Two friends are planning to go on a road trip. They’ve known each other for several years, and they get along well for the most part except for one thing: John hates it when Steve comments on his driving. I mean HATES it. Most of the time they just meet where they are going to hang out, even though they live in the same area. Steve finally decided it was best to do it that way because he couldn’t stop himself from pointing things out once in a while, like where there was an open parking spot available. It would be fine if John just ribbed him or got frustrated, but John gets really mad and sullen. He even would start driving erratically in his anger sometimes. Steve is concerned about the road trip because they are going to share the driving time.
What possible scenarios might occur on this trip? What will Steve do if they are cruising along the highway and he spots a deer, or he notices some other hazard? Steve “walks on egg shells” around John when he’s driving. Might it be better not to go on a road trip with John?
There are relationships like this one, where others walk on egg shells around someone who is reactive and defensive. It breaks down communication, limits important feedback and information, erodes trust and intimacy, and stifles creativity.
We are not powerless, however, to do things differently at times when we find ourselves reacting defensively. There might be some personal reflection required to understand your own defensive triggers, but even so you can do a few things to slow things down enough to manage your reaction and make it an intentional response instead.
The first order of business is to relieve your amygdala of its duty and engage your frontal cortex again so you can think. Give this some thought ahead of time. What are situations in which you typically find yourself getting your back up? What ticks you off? What are repeating circumstances that “trigger” you? What do you feel when this is happening? Where in your body do you feel it? What are the signs this is happening? Once you have some self awareness of your experience when you’re defensive, you will more easily notice it in the moment.
Slow things down. Deep breathing works very well, and counting. When you notice you are getting defensive, breathe in as far as you can, then breathe out as far as you can. Do this to the count of five. You may need to let the other person(s) know you just need a minute to collect your thoughts. This action interrupts the “fight or flight” reaction, and allows you to now think.
Get curious. The other person has said something to you that you have decided is not a real threat, but feels threatening nonetheless. Ask questions. Become an investigator, putting all the pieces together to get inside the other person’s head and understand what they are saying. Not to argue with them, or use what they’ve said against them, but to comprehend.
Be a problem solver, not a fighter. Once you fully understand the other person’s perspective, you have the opportunity to express yours. They are likely to listen to you because you listened so well to them first. Once you both have all the data, you can look at the situation and try to find solutions together, rather than one person pitting their ideas against the other. A defensive reaction is only helpful inasmuch as it is helpful. A defensive reaction when there is no real threat is destructive to relationships rather than serving to protect from real harm; it does not serve our need for relationship and community. It could be that there was a time when you did need to protect yourself from a similar sort of dynamic, but you no longer need to. You can reflect a bit about the situations in which you find yourself reacting defensively to gain some understanding of your own sensitivities. Even if you do not gain deep insight into your own sensitivities, you can do a few things to regain control of your behaviour and engage in a productive and helpful way.