The longer an ongoing conflict goes unresolved, the more likely that it will be compounded by subsequent events in the conflict situation. The original issue is carried forward into new situations and the other person is painted with a broad brush of negative associations and assumptions. The problem is no longer the problem, the other person becomes the problem. What might have been addressed as a single issue with workable solutions is now a complex relational and emotional tangle that is more difficult to resolve and recover from.
When we continue in unresolved conflict with another person, it is more and more likely that we will assign a negative explanation to their position, and even to their character; their position is inherently flawed, and ours is the only one that makes sense. The longer the conflict continues, the more solidified our conviction that they are a “bad” person in some way. We also may begin to feel threatened, which triggers a “fight, freeze or flight” response. As trust is eroded, it becomes increasingly difficult to work together to explore the situation and engage in creative problem solving.
It is a known psychological phenomenon that we tend to assign character flaws to others who behave in a way that affects us negatively, while we excuse the same type of behaviour in ourselves as momentary lapses or circumstantial incidences. For instance, the driver who is driving below the posted speed limit in front of me in traffic on my commute home from a long day at work “doesn’t know how to drive and shouldn’t be allowed to hold a license” while, when I drive much more slowly than the posted speed limit, it’s because I’m trying to find an address in a neighbourhood that I am unfamiliar with and I don’t have time to pull over; people should learn to be more patient.
If we tend to rush to ungracious explanations of others’ behaviour in situations that are momentary, like while driving, how much more will we do so when we repeatedly experience unresolved conflict and compounded negative interpretations of the intentions of someone we interact with on a regular basis?
It is common to think of reaching out for help as a last resort. It seems like we should be able to figure this out ourselves, or it seems like it will become a much bigger problem if we pay too much attention to it by involving a third party. Yet, we are more coachable in skills like exploration, communication, evaluation, and brain storming when we are still relatively calm and willing to work together. Engaging with the conflict before it becomes intense has the potential to be experienced like a challenging training program; difficult and maybe even frustrating at times, but rewarding and instructive for future situations.
Waiting until the conflict has reached crisis level may be experienced not like a rewarding training program, but more like escaping from a house fire. You need to get out, and in fact you do get out. But there’s a lot of damage done and repair needed afterwards.
Think of a mediator more as a personal trainer rather than the fire brigade. Get support early on, and learn to take those conflict engagement skills with you into future situations. You will begin to notice that engaging with conflict is less like a crisis, and more like one part of your life that requires some effort and support to reap the benefits, and remain healthy.