If you are new to the concept of personal boundaries as a way of creating freedom and order in your life, have a look at the blog post titled “Boundaries #1, A (not so) Brief Description”.
The establishment and maintenance of personal boundaries is a responsibility. No one can decide for another person what kinds of things they are not willing to tolerate, and what kinds of things they need to protect. Similarly, no one can keep track of all of the different boundaries of all of the different people in their daily lives, and then always remember to behave accordingly. Each person is responsible to discover, understand, and make decisions about the behaviour they are willing to engage in, and the behaviour they are willing (and not willing) to accept.
At the heart of the practice of personal boundaries is an understanding that everyone can make choices about what they will do. The common phrase “I had no choice.” is often misapplied to situations in which there were several choices for a course of action, but they were all undesirable. This phrase shifts responsibility for the choice which is made onto another entity. “I had no choice.” is understandably applied where there is a great imbalance of power and the consequences to the less advantaged person in choosing what is preferred are reprehensible and/or unjust. Yet, there are situations just like this in which those who are oppressed choose to hold to their values in the face of the threat of a horrific outcome. This is a heroic choice they have made.
People make choices all day long, every day. There are many choices that are made and/or agreed to and then repeated, becoming habits, which simplify life. For instance, most people don’t have to choose where to put their toothbrush every day, or where to put the milk when they’re done using it. In Canada, we all agree to drive on the right side of the road; we don’t need to think about this choice every time we get in the driver’s seat. As long as the repeated choices are working, they do not need to be challenged or changed. When a given mode of behaviour is no longer working and is causing problems, new choices may be required.
It might be useful at this point to look at a scenario as an example.
There are two coworkers, Stan and Bill. They work together as a team in the same department in an office setting, sharing some space and resources in common. They have different working styles and different temperaments, which is what makes them a great team. Stan is gregarious, outgoing, outspoken, engaging, quick to laugh and quick to react. Bill is quiet, contemplative, conscientious, accommodating, and even tempered. When they first started working together, Bill noticed that Stan was leaving items in his work space, which Bill keeps immaculate. Bill thought it might be a temporary thing, so he didn’t say anything. Bill doesn’t like to be confrontational, and prefers to quietly resolve things himself as much as possible. When Stan’s habits continued, Bill began to quietly move things back into Stan’s space at the end of the day after Stan had gone home. Stan never said anything about his things reappearing on his desk, so Bill figured he would get the hint.
Stan did not get the hint. It continued to happen, and Bill began to feel uncomfortable. He knew it was bothering him, but he tried to ignore the feelings because it seemed like a petty thing to be upset about. Eventually, though, it started to consume too much of his mental and emotional energy and was getting in the way of his work, so he decided to let Stan know about it and ask him to change his behaviour. This was immensely difficult for Bill to do, but he knew he needed to do it.
One afternoon, before quitting time, Bill approached Stan and said “Hi Stan. I have your presentation book here, and a few other things you left on my desk. I’d appreciate it if you could keep your things in your own space, rather than in mine. Thanks.”
Stan said “Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for those, I was wondering where I’d put them. That’s great. Phew! What? Oh, yeah, for sure, one hundred percent. No problem, bro. I got you.”
Bill was filled with relief. Stan didn’t even react like Bill though he might. He understood what Bill was asking for, and was very understanding. Bill went home a happy coworker.
Bill ended up staying home the next work day because he was feeling ill. When he did return to work, he had all but forgotten about the situation with Stan’s things and was thinking about a project he was eager to get to work on. He rounded the corner of his work space, went to put down his laptop bag on his desk, and knocked over Stan’s coffee mug full of sugary, milky coffee. Bill was suddenly reminded of the ongoing annoyance of his coworker’s behaviour and the conversation they had, with Stan assuring him he would keep his things off of Bill’s desk. Bill was furious, but he also felt paralyzed. Was Stan doing this on purpose? Was Stan mad at Bill, or did he simply have no respect for Bill at all? Suddenly this situation felt intense and loaded. Bill remained silent as he cleaned up the mess, and placed the clean, empty coffee mug back on Stan’s desk.
Over the course of the next two weeks, Stan continued to place things on Bill’s desk although perhaps not as many things. He also managed to catch himself a time or two, muttering “Sorry…” and carrying an item back to his own space. This small change in behaviour did not help Bill. He was perturbed and distracted by the times when his space was still cluttered by Stan’s things. Bill was starting to slip in his work. He could no longer focus the way he wanted to, and he began to feel stressed about going to work when he was at home. Working together with Stan was becoming very difficult, and Bill was convinced that Stan had some kind of personality defect.
What is not working for Bill anymore?
It is not working for Bill to allow Stan’s things to remain in his workspace after Stan has placed them there, waiting and hoping for Stan to change his behaviour. It also doesn’t work well for Bill to try to talk to Stan about it.
What is working for Stan?
Stan does not have to exert himself to any great degree to change his behaviour (which is always an effort) because Bill is so easy going.
What does Bill need?
Bill needs to find a way to have a clear work space without dealing with the relational stress of having to repeatedly to ask Stan to modify his behaviour.
What is Bill responsible for?
Bill is responsible for his possessions, his work, his work space, his performance, his contribution to how he and Stan work together, his emotional health, his sense of integrity, his values, and protecting these things when necessary.
What is Stan responsible for?
Stan is responsible for the same things Bill is responsible for, for himself.
What choices has Bill made so far?
Bill has tried to be easy going about the issue, to not care. He’s tried speaking to Stan. He’s tried putting the things back onto Stan’s desk.
What choices are available to Bill now?
Do nothing.
Bill could chose to do nothing. It’s too hard to think about doing something, and anything he thinks about doing seems futile at best and threatening at worst. Stan might get upset and start talking loudly, which Bill has no way of answering in the moment. He can’t win, so why try fighting.
Do something.
Since talking is not likely to work for Bill, he could try to deal with it without talking.
He could methodically and continuously return Stan’s items to his work space. This would provide the clear space that Bill needs. But it will be disruptive to Bill’s work flow to stop and do this at random intervals, and it doesn’t feel right to Bill that he should have to manage Stan’s things. Bill doesn’t mind removing the things from his own desk, but he doesn’t want to have the inconvenience of walking them over to Stan’s desk. He also doesn’t think it’s fair that he does extra work when Stan should be responsible for his own possessions and keep them in his own space, or at least out of Bill’s.
Bill could throw the things in the garbage. He reasons, in a moment of frustration and anger, that Stan can’t care too much about his things if he leaves them lying all over the place; they must not be important to him so Bill can just toss them. This does not sit well with Bill’s sense of personal integrity, however. He doesn’t actually think Stan doesn’t care about his things, and Bill would not be proud of throwing out someone else’s things. It doesn’t match his values. Also, Bill and Stan need to work together, so Bill needs to protect their working relationship if he can.
Bill doesn’t mind removing the items from his space, doesn’t want to walk them over to Stan’s space, and doesn’t want to throw them into the garbage. How can Bill treat the items and Stan with respect, while still removing them from his own space?
Bill is starting to feel empowered. He has an idea.
After a weekend of reflection, and a session with his Conflict Coach, Bill returned to work with a plan, and a crate. There is a space just outside his work area under the coat hooks that is perfect for the reclaimed wood crate he found at the Farmer’s Market over the weekend. The vendor was almost giving it away because it wasn’t strong enough anymore for the things she needed to transport. It was well used, and Bill thought it looked interesting.
Bill placed the crate underneath the coat hooks, hung up his coat, and rounded the corner to put his bag on his desk. This time Bill was prepared. Instead of pushing the situation of Stan’s encroachment down and away from his mind in an attempt to avoid dealing with it mentally and emotionally, Bill was actively thinking about it. He was actually hoping to find something of Stan’s on his desk so that he could enact the plan he came up with. Sure enough, there was Stan’s iPad. His iPad! Stan is going to need that this morning for his ten o’clock meeting with the department head.
Bill faltered for a moment. The iPad is important to Stan. Surely Bill should just walk that one item over to Stan’s desk. But something in Bill’s gut started to feel sickly, and he decided to stick to his plan. He placed the iPad into the crate, along with a few other objects that were also not his, and sat down to begin his day.
At 9:50 am, Stan came barrelling around the corner in an exuberant but slightly panicked state, asking Bill if he’d seen his iPad. “I’m sure I left it here this morning before you came in.”, Stan said. Bill calmly replied “Yes, I did. It’s in the crate under the coats, just there.”
“In a crate? What? Why?” asked Stan.
“I often find things on my desk which don’t belong to me, which is annoying and disruptive to me and my work. I’ll be putting them into the crate from now on. If you’re missing anything in the future, you are welcome to check there.” said Bill.
Stan looked at Bill for a moment, opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He picked up his iPad from the crate and went down the corridor to his meeting. Bill felt a huge sense of relief that the exchange was over, and a deep sense of satisfaction that he had a plan to deal with a situation that he knew would be repeated, in a way that will not cause any distress to himself. His plan addresses his needs for a good work environment in a way that is in keeping with his own values, and protects his working relationship with his coworker.
Bill’s boundary was a physical one: his desk and what is on it. It was also a relational boundary: he wasn’t willing to be imposed upon, or taken for granted by his coworker. It might also be understood as an emotional boundary; Bill was feeling threatened emotionally by the idea of discussing the issue again and chose to protect himself by engaging with the problem a different way.
Bill took responsibility to protect his space, his relationship and his emotional health.
And what about Stan? Stan barely noticed. He was on to the next thing in a heartbeat and didn’t think about the crate or Bill’s desk again that day. Over time, Stan asked Bill less and less whether any of his things were on Bill’s desk when he’d misplaced something, and instead began to go straight to the crate. He never completely stopped leaving his things lying around, it’s just the way he’s wired. Some of the other coworkers started putting Stan’s things in the crate as well, and eventually got their own crates near their own work spaces so they wouldn’t have to walk across the office to give Stan’s stuff back to him. If you stop by the office between nine and ten in the morning on a workday, you’re likely to see Stan making the rounds of “Stan’s Stuff” crates throughout the office, gathering up the things he’d left lying around the day before. It’s become part of the office lore and is the subject of some good natured ribbing, which Stan does not begrudge in the least. As long as he can find his iPad.
What if Bill took the view that it was Stan’s responsibility to know how he should behave; that it was not appropriate to leave his things lying around on other people’s desks, and he should know how much it affected Bill that he was doing it. How would this help Bill with his personal problem? How much control would Bill have over an outcome with this view? Over time, how would Bill’s opinion of Stan as a person be affected by assuming Stan should “know”? If Bill is responsible for his own space and how he manages it, and is responsible for his own ability to work well, then he can make decisions about how to manage those things and allow Stan to take responsibility for his own things.