There are many types of boundaries. If we tried to list them all, it would fill the page and beyond. Yet, the concept of any kind of boundary we might describe is the same. It is meant to keep some things inside the boundary, and/or keep some things outside the boundary. Some boundaries are for the protection of what’s inside, and some are for the protection of what’s outside. Sometimes they accomplish both. Boundaries can be very rigid and almost impenetrable, or flexible and permeable, or somewhere in between.
When we talk about personal boundaries, we refer primarily to behaviour. Having said that, personal boundaries may exist in the context of the physical, geographical, emotional, mental, psychological, temporal, procedural etc, etc. Regardless of the arena of our personal boundaries, we are almost always referring to how we want to be with other people, and how we will allow other people to be with us. Personal boundaries are necessary in relationship to other people.
Personal boundaries are entirely under our own control. No one else can decide what boundary you need or want; it’s personal. If personal boundaries are completely under our own control, then they are also our own responsibility. (See the blog post “Boundaries #2, Choices and Responsibility) We may ask for help from others to respect our boundaries, but in the end it is ourselves who will decide where the “line” is, and how we want to maintain the line.
There is no need to do a comprehensive analysis of every aspect of our lives and create a spreadsheet of all of our personal boundaries. You use many boundaries in day to day life which have been there for a long time without you even realizing it. For instance, you likely don’t passively allow a bee to sting you if you have a choice; you do something to keep the bee from stinging you. You don’t need to think about it, it’s an instinct. We need to start thinking about personal boundaries when our normal, current practices are not working for us anymore and we need to see a change.
The first step in establishing a personal boundary is to understand why you need/want the boundary. This is important, because it may be that you’re okay with a bee flying around you, or even landing on you, as long as you know it won’t sting you. You don’t hate bees, per se, but you don’t want them to sting you. You got stung recently, and you don’t want that to happen again.
The second step in establishing a personal boundary is knowing where your “line” is in this given situation. In the bee analogy, the reason you need to have a boundary with bees is that you don’t want to be stung. Where is the boundary which will offer you the level of protection you need from being stung? Do you need to stay indoors, or can you go out as long as there aren’t too may bees flying around? If you go out, how will you keep the bees away from your skin?
The third step is to anticipate that your boundary will be challenged at some point, and make a plan to maintain it. Those bees will do bee things and fly around you if you go outside. If you stay inside and open the door or window, they might fly in. What is the plan for those possible eventualities? How will you respond when the boundary is challenged?
In the process of assessing your situation for personal boundaries, it is helpful to educate yourself on the situation itself. This will provide valuable information to know what is a threat, and what isn’t. You might learn something about bee behaviour, and when and why they sting. You might learn about yourself, and what will happen to you if you are stung. What is the real threat, and what is perceived threat? Is it always an issue for you, or are there other factors that make you feel more concerned lately? Is it all bees, or only some species?
The bee example is fun, but let’s look at a simple scenario for boundaries within relationships, human to human.
There are two friends called Ashley and Shannon. They have been friends for twenty years, since grade six. They’ve travelled together, stood up at each other’s weddings, and now they are raising their kids together. They have open communication with very little formality, which they both enjoy.
Shannon has just been promoted in her workplace into a role with more responsibility and a heavier work load. She is working longer hours now, and she no longer has the flexibility she used to have during the week days. When she gets home from work, her family is ready to sit down together to eat and catch up on their news and thoughts and feelings and interests. They really enjoy their meal times together. They’ve always enjoyed hanging out with each other as a family, and this is the best time for them to do that now that Shannon is busier.
Ashley does not have a schedule that is so busy. She enjoys more flexibility in her week days, is able to drop in to help at her kids’ schools, and join her husband for lunch sometimes where he works downtown. Ashley is self employed and can do her work on her own time. She likes it that way because she would rather not be tied to a rigid schedule.
Shannon is noticing that Ashley often calls her during her family meal times; not every day, but enough that she is noticing. Shannon finds it an intrusion into her precious family connection time, and is beginning to feel annoyed when the phone rings. She answers it because it’s Ashely, her BFF, but Shannon is starting to feel resentful and her family is starting to look at their phones at the table, following her example. This, Shannon does not want. Things are not working for Shannon anymore. She needs to assess her boundaries.
Why does Shannon need a new boundary? What is it that she wants to protect, and what is it that she wants to keep out?
Where is the line for Shannon? How much space does she need, and how rigid does her boundary need to be?
What might happen after Shannon establishes her new boundary? How will she respond when it is challenged?
Shannon realized that she was feeling increasingly anxious about the idea of letting Ashley know about her needs. She was surprised to discover that she was actually afraid to tell Ashley that she needed a window of time when she would not receive calls. Shannon decided to reach out to the Conflict Coach her employer hired for a recent training seminar. After they met once or twice, Shannon recognized the ways she had not protected her time in her relationship with Ashley over the years, and even some resentment that had been building up in her about that. In the end, Shannon had a plan that she felt comfortable with. It wasn’t going to be easy, but she felt empowered.
Ashley and Shannon had a date planned to go for coffee without the kids the upcoming Saturday morning. While they chatted over coffee and treats, Shannon told Ashley that she had something she needed to talk with her about. She expressed her excitement about her new job, and her struggle with how much more limited her time is, and her wish that she could be more available to her family, and also to Ashley. Then she explained the challenge and joy of her family dinner times, and that she realizes how important it is for them to spend that time together undistracted.
At this point, Ashley’s face went white and then red. Her eyes began to moisten. Shannon noticed this, and was not surprised. She’d seen this reaction countless times before, and it had always resulted in Shannon giving up what she needed because her friend was hurting. Shannon took a bite of her scone, and a sip of coffee to give herself time to gather her thoughts and shift out of her learned behaviour.
Ashely gained control of her emotions and waited to hear what else Shannon was going to say. Shannon stated that she was going to put her phone on “silent” during dinner time so that she wouldn’t be distracted and tempted to answer the phone.
“Seriously? That seems extreme, doesn’t it? How many people are calling you at dinner time that you need to do that?” said Ashley.
“It might seem extreme because I haven’t really talked to you yet about how difficult it has been for me since I took my new job. I can understand that you would feel surprised. I know this is what I need to do right now, for my own ability to give my full attention to my family in the brief time we’re all together each day.” replied Shannon.
“What if I need to talk to you? How will you know if it’s me or not so you can answer the phone when I need you?” asked Ashley.
“I won’t know, that’s the point. If I know it’s you I will definitely be distracted and tempted to answer the phone! You’re the person I’d want to talk to the most.” laughed Shannon.
Ashley smiled weakly, and ate her scone in silence. Shannon was patient, knowing this change would be hard for both of them to accept, and that she had never done anything like this before in her friendship with Ashley. Eventually they chatted about their work and the kids and recent stories in the news, but it was stilted and a bit awkward. When they said their good byes, they were both reserved and hesitant.
Shannon felt terrible, and sad. She was in a low mood when she got home, and looked at her phone many times over the next couple of days. Normally Ashley would be peppering her with little messages and memes throughout the day. Shannon decided to send a “Thanks for coffee, it was good to see you!”, and eventually got a smiley emoji back.
It was a very hard week for both Shannon and Ashely. Shannon was concerned about the future of her friendship with Ashley. Would they ever be as close as they were before? Had she made a mistake? Shannon followed up with her Conflict Coach to check in. As Shannon explored what she needed and wanted for herself and her family, as well as what she needed and wanted in her friendship with Ashely, she was satisfied with her choice. She could accept that there may have been a more elegant way to do it, but she did her best.
Ashley was deeply hurt. She felt rejected and unimportant. She always thought she was the most special person in Shannon’s life, except her family of course. But why can’t Shannon include Ashley in her family times, or even just ask her not to call or text during the family times? Why does she need to make herself utterly unreachable? Ashley felt cut off from a lifeline, and that seemed unfair. She tired to care less, and be “cool” with it, but she wasn’t “cool” with it. She was beginning to pull away from Shannon, and she was struggling to feel okay day by day. She really wants Shannon back as her best friend, but she’s also angry.
Shannon decided that she would reach out to Ashley in different ways, trying to find opportunities to connect when it worked for both of them. Ashley was minimally responsive, and once or twice texted or called during a meal time, adding “Oops, you’re not available right now. I forgot.” It was hard for Shannon to keep to her boundary and not check her phone during her family time. She missed Ashely, and wanted to have her friend back.
Eventually, Ashley and Shannon found a time to get together. They both acknowledged that it was good to see the other, and that they had missed each other and it had been hard to have less contact. After a few more outings together, they settled into a comfortable way of being together. It wasn’t the same as it was before, but Shannon was realizing that the way it was before wasn’t the most healthy thing for her. Ashley began noticing more of her own unsettled feelings which were obscured in the past by talking to Shannon at any given moment. She was seriously thinking about talking to a counsellor about some things that she didn’t know what to do about.
Boundaries are meant to keep some things out and some things in, personal boundaries are the same. It can be a difficult decision to begin to disallow something in your life from other people. There is relational risk involved when we do that, and the risk needs to be assessed. The goal for personal boundaries is the health of oneself (which we are each responsible to ourselves for), and the health of our relationships. Letting the people in your life know what you need, and then doing something to take care of that, will ultimately create more health in your relationships. They will either respect you and be influenced for the better in their own lives, or they will distance themselves, taking their unhealthy relational behaviour with them.
This is hard work, and it is good work.